I’m going to be honest with you all. I think we’ve been looking at this election year the wrong way. There are thousands of posts, articles, tweets, instagrams, etc. about how garbage it would (will????) be if (when????) Donald Trump becomes president.
It’s easy to jump on the bandwagon, especially when the animal incarnation of America tries to take a piece out of him.
But, let’s not focus on the negative! Let’s focus on the positive!
Here are 8 great things that will happen if/when Don becomes president:
1.The meme vacuum will be filled again.
In case you have been living under a rock (or in space for 340 days, Scott Kelly), Leonardo diCaprio won an Oscar thus rendering useless 67% of the memes on the internet (this is a made up, but probably accurate statistic). Take a moment and think of some of the scariest things Donald Trump has said and now imagine them with that classic meme font and his big ole mug. The universe craves balance and Trump will provide us with enough meme fodder to make memes great again.
2.Increase in legal citizens in the United States.
Trump has said some pretty atrocious things about Mexican immigrants (“They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people”). This has potentially spurred an increase of illegal immigrants to work towards becoming legal citizens.
Over all, naturalization applications increased by 11 percent in the 2015 fiscal year over the year before, and jumped 14 percent during the six months ending in January, according to federal figures. The pace is picking up by the week, advocates say, and they estimate applications could approach one million in 2016, about 200,000 more than the average in recent years
Apparently it’s pretty common for those numbers to jump up during an election year, but this year the pace has been quickened. I mean, nothing spurs people into action like the threat of deportation/blatant prejudice.
And if they don’t, Trump might deport them so…
3.Everyone loves a good dystopian novel
Who doesn’t love a good dystopian/end times story? Hunger Games, Divergent, Maze Runner? Or a zombie apocalypse thriller? Or basically any story with a bad guy where good ultimately triumphs?
I’m just saying, Trump as President might allow us to live our own dystopian adventure.
China has a Great Wall so, if we want to make America “great” again…looks like we’ll need a wall. Which is great, Trump would like to build one. Speaking of China…
5.We will understand the Chinese mind
“I understand the Chinese mind” —Donald Trump
6.We get to rebrand America
For centuries America has been a melting pot country (I know this because it’s one of the few things I remember from 3rd grade Social Studies). People came to this continent seeking religious freedom, seeking a new life. People have continued to do that up until today. Or up until Trump is sworn in and is allowed to make decisions.
Separately, Trump has said that he would establish a “deportation force” to deport the roughly 11 million undocumented immigrants in the country. In addition, Trump would end birthright citizenship, the automatic granting of U.S. citizenship to those born on U.S. soil. He would pause the issuing of all green cards and require employers first offer those jobs to American citizens. And he would cut off federal funding to so-called “sanctuary cities” which have an official policy protecting undocumented residents. [source]
People are all about rebranding! Google got a new font (screw you, serif), Dominos is making pizza that isn’t hot garbage anymore, and Uber changed the color of its app. See? Rebranding is everywhere.
Now is the time to rebrand America, no longer will we be the country who welcome “your tired, your poor”. No more shall we accept the “huddled masses yearning to breath free”. Some might say this is what makes America great; that people move here wanting a better life, wanting freedom and liberty, wanting to have a better chance to achieve their dreams.
Nah, we just want the people who are already here. Because if we let foreign immigrants in they will certainly attack us (because natural born citizens literally never do harm to our country). And rather than giving human beings the benefit of the doubt, hoping for the good, or risking our own comfort in order to allow other humans to have their basic needs met, let’s just turn our backs. America!
7.Women get set back like, 50 years
Women love a good fight, so let’s elect a guy who said Heidi Klum was “no longer a 10”, that Hilary Clinton can’t “satisfy her husband…[or] America”, or when Megyn Kelly did her job as mediator for a debate, Trump responded that there was “blood coming out of her wherever“.
Think of the precedent our Commander and Chief will be setting.
8.The next generation will actually learn about the electoral college in school
To make up for our mistakes, granted, but still a win.
Anyway, this is just a glimpse of the future that we might all be living in.
So what I’m really saying is, please be informed and please vote.
Also this piece is satire, Trump is not a good candidate.